Have you ever farted in a supermarket?

I love living in Hollywood because it is a crazy place – it really is and it's unlike anywhere I have ever lived; when I say Hollywood I don't mean Hollywood the movie capital of the world I mean the actual small city of Hollywood itself – a city that doesn't really exist because it isn't a city at all. It has tried to be one but they voted against it so my home address is officially Los Angeles - but it's really Hollywood.

Hollywood has its sleazy places but that's not where we live; we live right near Runyon Canyon and the view from our window is spectacular. Walking outside, and from here to the canyon, the streets are lined palm trees, jacaranda trees, and trees I don't even know the names of, and some very pleasing 1950s type of architecture; it is neither urban nor suburban and when you are in the canyon, or climbing over it which I do occasionally, it is like being miles away from anywhere as you don't see or hear any traffic; there is plenty of greenery notwithstanding the climate and plenty of wild life including rattle snakes - very rarely seen; coyotes - heard and not seen; and humming birds which I see every day and they are beautiful. One day I actually saw a woodpecker; an actual woodpecker after spending my whole life only hearing them.

When I go over the canyon I think of the times when they probably shot movies in canyons like that and I can imagine Hopalong Cassidy movies being shot there and I can see where an Indian might hide waiting to ambush the cowboys and things like that; but then I'm brought back down to earth again when I see and hear the helicopters overhead.

Lots of days we look over the canyon, from where we live, and we see hawks circling the from a great height and watch them swoop to catch their prey; one time last year there was a great big bird sitting on top of one of the trees. We couldn't quite make out what it was even with a strong pair of binoculars. I think we decided it was an eagle but I'm still not sure; it couldn't have been anything else as it was bigger than the hawks. The other birds seemed to be worried about the eagle and they were flying around squawking and twittering and generally trying to annoy it.

They would fly right up to the eagle and then fly away and then suddenly the eagle took flight; when it did this the other birds started to attack it; not the hawks just the little birds. They were trying to get near it and bother it and when we were looking at this it was happening directly above against the clear blue sky and reminded me of some footage I had seen of the RAF fighting the Germans in dog fights during the second world war.

On Sunset Boulevard, which is about ten minutes walk from here, there is 'Rock 'n' Roll Ralphs'; not that I walk to Ralphs much as I usually have shopping to carry. It is called 'Rock 'n' Roll Ralphs' because there are lots of recording studios nearby and when they finish recording, pop stars have been known to go to Ralphs to pick up the odd bottle of booze; this is usually very late or in the wee hours of the mornng before they stop selling alcohol which I think is at 2.00 am.

In 'Rock 'n' Roll Ralphs' you see anything from housewives and businessmen to transvestites, transsexuals, prostitutes, strippers and exotic dancers and most of the time you wouldn't know the difference because most of the time they are like you and me. If you look closely you might be able to tell but we all get on well together without a second look; someone with green hair and maybe a really huge and outrageous breast enhancement might get a second glance – and indeed they have – but what can you expect? This is 'Rock 'n' Roll Ralphs.'
I was in there today (Sunday) browsing around and a very attractive girl aged around thirty walked towards me and said “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Of course not.” I said.

“Have you ever farted in a supermarket?”

Now what am I going t say to that – what would you say?

“Have I ever what?” I replied.

“Farted.”

She said farted with the accent of David Letterman; very polite maybe more like how Christopher Reeve would say it when he played Superman; but she didn't say 'sir' like they might have.

“I thought that's what you said.”

“Have you?” she repeated,

“Well....” I said “ . . maybe I don't want to answer.”

“Why not?”

“Well why would you want to know.”

“I just want to know.”

I could see that there was a fella standing behind her holding on to his shopping cart with a twinkle in his eye.

“Are you two together?” I asked.

“No” said they guy “she just asked me the same question.”

“Can I ask you a question?” I said to her.

“Go ahead.”

“Have you ever farted in a supermarket?”

She nodded.

“What about in an elevator – and then someone came in?”

“Yes!” she said.

She stayed as the guy asked me if I was an actor; I told him I was and then I turned to the girl.

“Are you here by yourself?”

“No I'm with people”she said “but you gave me a good answer.”

“And what was that?”

“In a round about way you told me you did.”

Then she turned and walked away.

Just an every day occurrence in 'Rock 'n' Roll Ralphs.'