RUSSELL KANE
I'm
an expert on sleep; it's something I do every day. Most of the people
I know sleep too: some are deep sleepers and some light – some only
sleep for a couple of hours a night. But the people who don't sleep
at all hate people telling them what to do to sleep. This is because
we all need different conditions in order to actually fall in to the
land of nod.
Lots
of times, if I have an important appointment the next day, I will be
awake all night. I have known a target time of getting up at 5.00 am
and at 10 passed 5 I am still awake. And do you know what? That's
when I drop off; for 15 minutes!
It's
a strange thing and the number of times it has happened to me I can't
say as it's too many times but I have always lasted through the day
and been quite perky and lively and . . and . . . oh I nearly
dropped off then.
I
have heard about a lot of insomniacs lately and in fact there has
been a convention this week by people in the sleep business, and
there is a word for a condition that people suffer from when so
called experts are pontificating about how great they are at going to
sleep.
I
am okay but when away with someone – my wife, for example, and we
are in a strange place, I look at her and she has gone. Laying there
in bed asleep. When away filming, for instance, I have heard snoring
from the next room within minutes of the person going in there to
sleep.
Once
I got in a train in Marseilles intending to travel the full length of
France right up to Calais and paid extra to get a sleeping
compartment (yes I know a compartment that is asleep) – all I had
with me was a large baguette and some water which I had planned to
make last for the whole journey. I sat in my seat and watched
Provence through the window, started thinking and thinking
deeply and then started to think about Walter Mitty and his
secret life and the sound he always heard when he started to sleep –
'ta pocket ta pocket ta pocket ta pocket' and you know I could
feel the sleep coming over me, I didn't need a pee, I was very
comfortable, I was going to sleep and then . . .bang on the door.
The
man had come to turn the bed down. It was a normal train seat which
turned into bunk beds in a flash. I couldn't even sit properly, I had
to keep my back bent.
I
asked him of he could leave it and he said someone else might be
getting on the train and they would like to get in to bed.
That
did it! I eventually got into bed and every time the train stopped I
looked for the old lady with a surgical stocking and sensible shoes
who I was sure was going to share the room with me – or my bed!!!
Arghhhh!
So
that was it; I was awake.
Then
I wanted a pee.
There
was a hole in the floor where I was supposed to pee – what about if
I wanted a number 2? - perhaps not!
Eventually
we stopped at a big city; is this Paris? No it was Lyon, a huge
industrial city through the window is all I could see. Steam rising
from somewhere, steam going somewhere and then – sleep.
Missed
the bit where we pulled out of the station, missed Paris and the
train arrived in Calais after that huge journey through the night
smack on time.
The
sleep convention, I mentioned before, said that you must be
comfortable in bed, you must relax – no alcohol because that sleep
is no good for you – and you must read a comfortable, safe book,
maybe one you've read before, no computer screens nothing.
What
I used to do, sometimes, was count backwards from 7000; full words
six thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine etc or think that I am on
the stage and I have to recite The Sick Note, which I used tom do in
my Irish show 'Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of my
plight/and at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight – and by
the time I got half way through it I would be asleep. The secret is –
and the counting backwards – it makes your mind wander and trying
to concentrate sends you to sleep.
Here
is one of my favourite comedians – Russell Kane.
I
remember him from Edinburgh when he scolded a theatre critic for
giving someone a bad review just because she had a strange voice and
was fat. This critic gave me a rave review – a great one – but
only 3 stars.
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