The Storyteller: The Legend of the Terror On the Train.

This is a strange little tail which I am assured is true; I have to ask myself why I want to spread the word about it and have to settle for the same reason that I write anything at all and I am still struggling with that.

A few weeks ago a man called El-Khazzani , went in to the lavatory of an express train in France and loaded some guns.

Now I have fired guns at The Battle of Kingsbury Range, The Battle of Pershore Range and other ranges - Bisley? - throughout this green and pleasant land and I have not spilled a drop of anybody's blood - human or otherwise.

But it seems that this character called El-Khazzani had other ideas it seems he was intent on getting his name in to the papers and go down in history together with the shoe bomber and the other total nut jobs by massacring a load of people on a train.

He had obviously heard that it had been done on a plane and with planes, on the Tube and buses in London and various places of worship all over the world.

He had heard of the Arab Spring which disappeared as quickly as it sprang up so when he went in to the lavatory on that train he played some kind of video on his app or his tablet or whatever device of the devil he had chosen to carry with him that day.

It is said that someone heard him loading his weapons and when El-Khazzani came out of the bathroom with something other than his dick in his hand* he was thwarted by the sound of an American voice shouting 'Let's Roll' – as in the movie of the one downed airliner that didn't hit a building that day on 9/11 (of 11/9 depending on where you come from) and was overcome by three marines and a Brit; the marines rolled and the Brit tied him up – maybe with his tie or cravat – or as they say in America his Ascot!!

Well after that none other than Barack(yes we can)Obama called his American heroes and congratulated them. Two whites and one black. If they'd have been cast in a movie it would have looked like creative casting. The news was that he only spoke to the Americans as he had expected David (call me Dave)Cameron to call the Brit but . . .
Dave was on holiday.

Doesn't sound right does it; the three Americans were given the Legion of Honour – Légion d'honneur - from the French President and the Brit stood in at the ceremony as one of the Americans was in hospital with a neck and finger injury.

So that's the story – the Brit gave the speeches to the press after the affray (not Clarkson again) in a slow and measured manner and the Americans just said, we beat the crap out of him.

The only part I saw of this whole incident was some footage of El-Khazzani lying on the floor hog tied. Yes you read it right hog tied – that is lying face down with his legs tied up behind him; with a cravat??

Now if I was clever, as clever as the journalist I got this formation from – Geoff Dyer – I could make up a kind of pastiche or parody of the Second World War where it was said that at the Omaha Beach battle the Americans supplied the soldiers and the French provided the sand, or something even cleverer like the war which was fought for a few years before the Americans even joined in – way past The Battle of Britain, Dunkirk and all that – you see, when El-Khazzani came out of the loo he was attacked by a French man and as the French man grappled with El-Khazzani another man joined in, this time a French/American who was actually shot.

A third man smashed the alarm cutting his finger to the bone – a French movie actor, it turns out, and when all the shouting and grappling was going a shout went up 'Let's Go!! (wasn't let's roll after all) and that's when the Americans, who were on vacation, joined in and pummeled El-Khazzani till he was still.

Someone stuck a finger in to the French/American's wound till the paramedics arrived but when the press came the French preferred to remain anonymous.
So who were they left with - Anchors Aweigh my boys!!

And after all that El-Khazzani wanted his gun back.