Is the film director Alan Smithee dead at last?

I remember, years ago, when we had quite a few cats – I've always loved cats – I would put a newspaper at the bottom of the kitty litter tray; I tried to use newspapers with a photo of Margaret Thatcher on so I knew the cats would put it to good use and now – Meryl Streep is playing her and I still can't get over it. . . .

But this post isn't about that – it's about Alan Smithee the film director/DP/actor/writer; he's supposed to be dead!!!

He is actually a fiction.

In the 1950s there was a movie star called Richard Widmark; he was in a film called Death of a Gunfighter and he fired the director – he fired the director!! How could he do that? – because the star is always the boss; well most of the time.

As they were left without a director they got Don Siegal to come and finish the film off which he did and if you know Don Siegal's work you will know he probably made a great job of it.

The DGA, the Directors' Guild of America, had fought for many years to get the director's name on every film but Don thought it wouldn't be fair as they had left a lot of the original director's work in it so he refused the credit.

This meant the DGA had to step in and they had to compromise. So they came up with a fictitious name and the name they settled upon was – Alan Smithee. They tried Al Smith first but figured there might have been a real Al Smith.

There are a few rules you have to obey if you want to get your name taken off a film and they include never talking about it or owning up that you are the real director and things like that.

There was an off the wall very talented director called Tony Kaye who directed some really great commercials; commercials that were better than the ones Ridley Scott directed before he became a film director; and they were good.

When I first went to Hollywood he went there too; I met a girl at a party who gave me her business card as she was his assistant – I thought maybe I'd look him up as he was capable of spectacular work but I never did.

He directed American Citizen X and ran into trouble editing it; if you look at the completed film you will see it has a great look. (He was also the cinematographer). It starred Edward Norton and when Tony Kaye took a lot of time editing the film the geniuses – the producers – the money men – gave Edward Norton the responsibility; can you believe that? I don't know if Norton complained about Tony Kaye or what the full story was but the point is he (Kaye) had the film taken away from him and it was given to a boring actor!

Tony Kaye went to the Directors' Guild and they agreed it would have the Alan Smithee credit; but Tony Kaye didn't want the anonymous Alan Smithee credit he wanted them to say it was directed by Humpty Dumpty.

His point was he wanted to talk about it he wanted people to know that the person who directed the movie wanted his name taken off it and if people saw Humpty Dumpty they would figure this out for themselves.

It is said that Edward Norton, when he took over the editing, lengthened his screen time and when Tony Kaye went to meet the head of the production company's senior president he arranged for a Rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Buddhist monk to be present at the meeting to support his argument and "make the meeting a more spiritual one".

Of course he would wouldn't he? There's his photo above!!

But it all went pair shaped for Alan Smithee when some bright spark made a movie called An Alan Smithee Film – Burn Hollywood Burn! It let the cat out of the bag and when the producers fell out it was taken to the Directors' Guild and it did, indeed become, an Alan Smithee film.

If you look at all of these films on the IMDb it has the real names of the directors – and their ages!!!!

As a post script: around 1972 I was offered a great Guinness commercial - here it is

http://tiny.cc/6vcq2

- and I was offered a role in a movie called Savage Messiah directed by Ken Russell at the same time and I know I should have done the movie because I would have loved to work with the man who directed Women in Love but - I chose the commercial; lot of money in commercials - paid the mortgage. Ken Russell RIP.

Hot Dog Stand and Leafblowers.

Carneys on Sunset Blvd

Pinks on La Brea.

I was walking around Ealing the other day and I fancied a hot dog. Do you think I could find one? Of course not; there was a Maccy D's a load of Polish cafes and the usual terrible coffee shops like Costa selling their insipid dreaded Americano for about $3 – maybe more. £2.50 in UK money I paid the other day in one of those places.

So nowhere can you find street food – it has to come here; but when? In New York and Los Angeles street food is the best food you can buy. I wrote a post about the wonderful street food in Venice when all or most of the street food vendors go to Venice on a certain Friday each month and sell their food.

Here have a look at it - http://storytelleronamazon.blogspot.com/2011/05/roach-coach-night-in-venice-california.html

When I used to ride around on a motor bike, more years ago than I care to remember, there were hot dog stands all over the place. We could buy fleur de lis pies, hot dogs, roast chestnuts and the like at the side of the street; now they have been replaced by chains of coffee places so come on lets get with it.

London was here before Los Angeles and New York and the food is as good here as anywhere no matter what an American might say who hasn't even been here.

There is a big financial opportunity in Los Angeles when it comes to street food; prospective owners can get bank loans to buy a vehicle then they choose what kind of food they want to sell and sell it; as simple as that. The food trucks go to a certain place in LA, each day, fill up and go out.

If you want to know where the best street food is you go on Twitter and all is revealed. Of course there are permanent hot dog stand too in Los Angeles as above; they don't like the movable ones.

We have just moved to Eastcote; it's in Middlesex but capably served by the tube; I can be in Baker Street within half an hour so it's ideal.

One thing about Los Angeles which I was reminded of this morning was the infernal, noisy, dangerous bloody leaf blower. There were various movements to try to get them banned and propositions put to the vote. I think at one time they were banned but it didn't work.

We kind of didn't push things with them as they were largely used by Latino gardeners who would use them the whole year around – not just for leaves but dust and debris.

So what do I see this morning – a leaf blower opposite and a leaf blower next door.

It looks hilarious after seeing the poor Mexican wearing a mask whilst operating them and then see a couple of middle class middle aged men with their trendy leaf blowers blowing leaves all over the place; blowing them into next door or the middle of the road or anywhere where the man with the giant leaf blower – the 'man' upstairs – blows them back.

Thanksgiving.

Being back in Britain I often think back to the time I first went to America – that was in August 1994 and I settled there in January 1995; I think of how it was here, in the UK, at that time, and wonder how it has changed.

The first thing I notice is the number of reality shows there are on TV; one of the most popular shows here is Strictly Come Dancing or just Strictly as they call it, the people in the know. It is the same show and produced by the same people, the BBC, as Dancing With the Stars in the USA. On both continents it is a huge hit and plenty of money for the BBC.

Another show which goes out at the same peak time slot on a Saturday evening is The X Factor; both of these shows are called reality shows but to my mind they are both entertainment shows; the dancing one is a programme of stars the X Factor is a talent show for singers; I haven't seen Strictly (obviously I'm in the know) but I've seen some of X Factor.

The rest of the reality shows are cooking programmes; some are competitions to see who is the best cook and some are instructional shows. I saw one where a rather large county woman was advocating the use of English garlic. She said garlic started here and that English garlic is the best with the best taste.

I haven't tried it but she did some blind tests with quite a few people of various nationalities and they all liked the English garlic; must get some.

The first thing I found when going to America was their opinion of English food; it was a bit like the French, when they talk of America, when they say 'what about that food?' and not in a kindly way.

The fact is there must be dozens of cooking shows on here, as there are in America, and the standard of cooking is very high. There seem to be more foodies here than in America and more per ca pita really good restaurants.

In America everything has to be covered in a sauce – ketchup or mustard – and they call the liquid you have with your Thanksgiving Turkey gravy; and not sauce. Calling the sauce, a chef makes, gravy is an insult.

Sometimes if you go into a chain restaurant with a carvery they use the same liquid for all the meats – that's gravy!

So happy thanksgiving to all my American friends; this will be the first one I have missed in all those years. It was my favourite holiday there (turkey day) and what I liked about it was it was none religious and all sorts got together – Jews, Muslims, Christians and even Heathens; of course heathen is a Christian term I mean atheists but also agnostics – the people who won't commit to anything; just in case!

By the way (or btw to show I'm really in the know) Saturday night TV in Britain is peak time but the worst night in America; Dancing With the Stars goes out on a Monday and Tuesday as opposed to Saturday and Sunday here.

Cleaning Lady!!!!!!!!!!!! and a competition.

There we have 2 images above and left; bearing in mind what follows, what is the connection between the 2 of them. Answers in the 'comments' section please.

no prizes but be a sport.

Right:

I could not get on to the Internet today - the cleaner, accidentally pulled the plug.

I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again. I will not make fun or pass any derogatory remarks about cleaners again.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Movember - moustaches galore!!

The Movember Campaign.

This is the time of year when you see an extraordinary amount of men sporting moustaches – that's if their wives allow them. Some wives don't like that rough chin around their bodies and order shaves as if they were the Greek women of Lysistrata.

But it's all in a good cause – I think even Stephen Fry is sporting one.

I have sponsored my brother who has promised to send me a photo – even if it is only a 'ronnie' – of the result and the money goes towards prostate cancer research.

This campaign has lasted for quite a few Novembers making it Movember. I had noticed the sudden growing of maustaches before but just found out the other day what it was all about – when my brother asked for sponsorship.

It got me thinking about moustaches in general.

Believe it or not, people in the straight world, moustaches a very popular and even fashionable amongst gay men.

I remember when Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was released in the late 60s moustaches becoming popular.

Paul Newman (left) and Robert Redford.

Then Wimbledon champion of 1969/70, John Newcombe had a Sundance moustache,

John Newcombe

as the commentators called it, but then it went gay.

Tom Selleck

I'm not saying Tom Selleck is gay but look at that growth!!

I don't know why the gay popularity and I did ask once – I once lived in West Hollywood remember? - and was told that it made them look manly; well I have to beg to differ. It made a lot of straight men look gay – not all moustaches just the dodgy ones. Remember The Village People with their beards AND moustaches? (above).

But I remember the moustaches on the old movie stars; a word I mentioned before, a ronnie, came from the movie star Ronald Coleman.

Ronald Coleman

Nothing gay about that one and nothing gay about the ones worn by Errol Flynn or Clarke Gable.

Errol Flynn

Clark Gable

I'm just musing away here not wishing to be offensive about anybody and trying to keep calm as Meryl Streep, in all her ignorance, has taken on the role of Margaret Thatcher in a movie called The Iron Lady, which is due for release at the end of the year, in the USA, to qualify for an Oscar – oh woe is me; why don't they make a movie about that nice Mr Hitler?

Streep, as I say in her ignorance, has probably ignored advice not to play Thatcher and has an idiotic Dennis Thatcher in it too; he was a clown and is played by a clown. The only person on this page who should wear a moustache is Meryl Streep – nuff said.

Best of luck, Movember, and if you know anybody growing one for prostate cancer research do your best for them or click on to the site in your country - here are links for the UK one and the USA one too.

http://uk.movember.com/ & http://us.movember.com/

The dedication of cleaners.

A typical Craftsman's House in the USA.

It's a funny time for us at the moment as we are about to embark on another adventure by moving in to a cottage at the end of the week – if everything goes through that is; if all the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed.

So this is about this and that – I have always had problems with cleaners; not vacuum cleaners but the ones that come in and clean. I suppose they have trouble with me too.

Many years ago, when I stopped working for the post office on the motor bikes, and before I went to drama school, I took a job in the British Car Industry at Morris Commercial Cars, as a matter of fact. They gave me a job in which I was out of my depth but if they had told me what I was supposed to do I might have been able to do it. I was a Material Controller. On the first day they showed me to my desk at the back of a big office – something like in the movie Metropolis!

The first thing I saw on the desk were the 2 phones; I asked myself, why will I need 2 phones?

One was for internal calls and the other for outside ones. I had to ask the girl on the switchboard to put me through for each outside call and dial the internal ones myself. If someone was away from their desk someone else had to answer it and take a message. There was no 'I'm either away from my desk or on the other line' business because if you didn't answer the phone the office manager would tell you to answer the bugger!!

My job, now I think back on it, was to make sure that all the materials, that I was responsible for, were on the premises and ready to be taken to the assembly line for when it started.

That's quite easy if you think about it; if they were to manufacture the following week 200 Morris Minor vans I had to make sure that the tyres that fit that model would be delivered from Fort Dunlop and if they were late I would have to get on that phone – the external one – after talking to the very nice girl on the switchboard. If they were late I would have to call Fort Dunlop again and chase them up.

That's where the other phone came in; it would ring from the assembly line and ask me where the tyres were. Sometimes the man on the other end would just say “where are those f-----g tyres?”

That sounds simple but it wasn't. I was also responsible for other things – maybe door handles or something to do with the dash board.

I would have to look in a book and see how many particular parts were needed for each vehicle – each van needed 5 tyres so if you forgot the spare and only ordered 4 you were in trouble - or at least I was.

I think it was the first week that I was there that I forgot something and they had to send the whole assembly line home!!

I'm not sure whether I was just no good or just not trained; my desk would get full of papers and one morning I was called in to the office manager's office; the cleaners could not clean my desk because of the papers.

I had nowhere to put them when I left each night; I needed to leave them where they were so I could find everything the next morning. One morning I came in and there were all the papers in a pile on my chair – and they had cleaned my desk!!!! It wasn't dirty – I had kept it free from contamination by piling papers on to it. It took me a long time to put them back in to some kind of understandable order again.

Was it really so important to wipe that tiny bit of surface?

Even though I am sure they are wonderful people, and I have always got on well with them, their duties drive me up the wall.

When I was in Edinburgh recently I had to share a dressing room with quite a few people of all ages and sexes. But there wasn't a mirror in there to apply make up etc so I would go into the disabled person's lavatory next door. I'm afraid that coincided with the cleaners who wouldn't let me in one day – they had complained to me before that by walking passed them and just getting on with it disturbed them; so I was shown to a better place from that time on by the management.

As I have said they are wonderful people but . . .

I did a film once in Bournemouth at a film school and one of the students told me that they were making an animation film in one of the offices; the idea of the film was that all the papers on the desks and the rubbish bin came to life and moved about the office. This would be achieved by a stop motion technique when they film one frame then move things and film another frame and so on. I'm sure you know what I mean. When they do this they have to shoot 24 frames per second for it to be played back in real time.

One day they left the door to the office open and the cleaner came in and put all the rubbish into the bin and took it away – ignoring the 'do not touch' notice.

Oh no! People are going to think I am having a real go at cleaners but let me ask you this: what is the matter with a bit of dust??

When I moved to Los Angeles I lived in Silverlake – the Paris of Los Angeles, so they say. I was sharing a house with a few others; we had the run of the house and our own rooms. It was a 'craftsman’s' house built maybe in the 1920s and was very attractive. In fact the picture above is very similar to the house where I stayed.

We had a wonderful garden and the weather was glorious but none of the other people knew how to tune the television so that was left to me.

The landlady had been paying for cable TV and never watching it so as soon as I tuned it in for them they were delighted and thought I was a genius. Every TV in Los Angeles, I don't know about the rest of America, had to be tuned in to Channel 3 and then you could use the zapper – it was a simple as that.

One night per week I would come home and they would be sitting in the sitting room with no TV on; the reason? The cleaner had unplugged the TV during the day to use the vacuum cleaner – it didn't matter how many times I asked her not to and to use another socket she didn't and vacuumed away with its infernal noise as if there was nothing as important in the world – or on the planet as people annoyingly say these days.

Bonfire Night.

Remember, remember the fifth of November; gunpowder, treason and plot. Those are the words that we would hear when we were children and the other words you would hear would be 'penny for the guy.'

In the early 17^th Century around 1606 or so, just at the time Shakespeare died, Guy Fawkes was caught under the Houses of Parliament with a disgusting amount of gunpowder; and guess what he was planning to do? Why blow the place up, of course.

But he didn't because he was caught; he was tried, with his co-conspirators, found guilty then hung, drawn and quartered; he was a Catholic.

A year or two later, the King, King James I, I suppose, started a tradition that lasts till this day; he commissioned a sermon to commemorate the plot and Bonfire Night, as it is now called, is celebrated with bonfires and fireworks.

At the end of the evening an effigy of Guy Fawkes, the guy, is thrown on to the top of the bonfire and as he burns the crowd cheers the burning of the Catholic, for he was a Catholic, and the leader of the Gunpowder Plot – that is the plot in the opening line of the old poem or children's rhyme.

At about the same time The King James Bible, or the KJB, was getting published which owed a lot to another man who was also executed William Tyndale.

'Penny for the Guy' was shouted by children, when I was a child here, but I didn't hear it recently on my travels; didn't hear it at all. Children used to make their 'guy' by stuffing old clothes with newspaper, making a mask for the face and placing a hat on top. Then they would put their guy into an old pram or a cart and stand on the corner asking people for money – hence 'penny for the guy.'

A lot of money was collected which went towards buying fireworks; it was collected under the guise that it would go to charity – but it didn't. The same as with the carol singers at Christmas time – their collections are supposed to go to the church but they rarely do unless carried out by an organisation.

My parents had never heard of bonfire night, when they came to this country, but joined in all the same; the next door neighbours would collect firewood and the like for the annual bonfire and as we both had huge gardens we would share the festivities.

Fireworks were purchased, a guy was made and plenty of eats like chestnuts, baked potatoes, sausages and drinks were made and we had a wonderful time.

I remember pointing out to my parents that we were celebrating the burning and torture of a Catholic and they dismissed me as a wet blanket.

I think the fireworks in those days were dangerous as they were freely available to anyone over the age of 13 and when we were at school we would frequently have bangers (firecrackers) thrown at us as we walked home. Firecracker is such a tame word – they were bloody bangers and it's a wonder more of us weren't injured.

As it was there were always warnings on the news and items about children who were maimed by firework accidents; but what did they expect when they were available for children so young? The truth was we could see the bangers being thrown at us and we'd run out of the way – but some girls didn't.

These days people are more aware; fireworks are still legal here but the qualifying age has risen and the bangers are not so . . . . well I don't know. It was Diwali a couple of weeks ago where I heard very loud bangs which segued into Bonfire Night and as I type this I can still hear bangs. A lot of the bangers actually sound like loud gunshots.

Some of the fireworks can be held by hand such as sparklers but when they finish sparkling they should be thrown into cold water as children can pick them up when they 'go out' as they take a long time to cool off.

I remember as a child I was given a firework to hold; I was told it was quite safe and that it wouldn't go off in my hand and I remember standing there as the pattern lit up the sky not believing it was safe to hold so I let it go.

Before the firework hit the floor, when it was maybe 6 inches from my hand it went off - BANG!!

I don't know what kind of premonition or warning made me let it go but even 6 inches or so was not far enough as it burned my right wrist severely; no blisters do I remember just the pain up to my elbow but I thank my lucky stars I let it go.

I've never particularly liked fireworks in any case without any influence from that incident. I have seen firework displays at The Hollywood Bowl and the Edinburgh Tattoo and actually enjoyed the one at Edinburgh.

I hated the ones at The Hollywood Bowl as they interrupted the music; one time I was getting quite excited as the 1812 Overture neared its climax but as soon as it did the firework display started which brought the gasps, oos and ahs from the 18,000 crowd which drowned the music.

Bang!! I hear in the distance! And still it goes on.

Vigorish, Sausage Week and all those ones.

Plump and juicy Cumberland Sausages.

Here in Britain the date today is 1-11-11; in America, of course it's 11-1-11 but in either case it is a uniquedate. Another unique date would have been 1-11-1111 but that was almost a millennium ago.

It is also my darling wife's birthday who never reads this; her date was always getting mixed up in America where they would write it the other way around; even on her green card they got the date wrong – not by putting it the wrong way around but because they put the 4^th instead of the 1^st .

It is also, this week, British Sausage Week 2011.

Launched yesterday, Monday 31^st October 2011 and organised by the British Sausage Appreciation Society, British Sausage Week is the most recognised food week in the retailer calendar.

A pop singer, Noddy Holder, is, apparently, the face of the British sausage and will, I am told, travel about the country promoting the British banger.

If there's one thing they can't do in America it is make sausages. Sometimes if you ask for sausage in a restaurant, with your breakfast, they bring you a sausage patty; now they are about as good as a one legged man at an arse kicking party.

Why do they call them bangers? Well the best way to cook sausages is to fry them. Sorry to use that F word but it's a fact, and whilst you are frying them you stick your fork in to them to let some air and juice out and this makes them bang – ever so slightly.

So I was out and about, yesterday, and I heard, on the radio, that it was sausage week and went to the nearest place, to where I was, to find a sausage which happened to be Uxbridge. I walked along the High Street and there, in a kind of mini-mall, was an old type of greasy spoon cafe and it said outside 'Bacon or Sausage Rolls, tea or coffee £2'. So I went in.

I didn't expect them to have the tea I like which is Earl Grey decaffeinated – descaffinado in Spanish – so I asked for hot water to put my tea bag in and they charged me £1.75 for the roll.

As I sat waiting for my sausage roll I saw on the chalk menu, behind the counter, some of the prices which made me laugh. Don't expect to laugh yourself as I have a strange sense of humour.

There was a play many years ago – a really good play by Arnold Wesker - called Chips with Everything and that menu reminded me of it. It didn't have chips with everything on it but years ago it would have; just goes to show how times and tastes have changed. There were plenty of salads and mashed potatoes on the bill of fare.

For instance Pie, Chips and Peas was £3.50 – but this is the bit that made me laugh – it was 20p extra for gravy!!!! 20p extra for gravy.

Toast was 55p but with jam it was 65p; also add peanut butter or Marmite would cost 65p too.

Who went around charging the 10 and 20p extra for things?

They also had a very interesting thing; they had fresh sugar on the tables which I haven't seen for years. It was in a glass canister with a chrome looking top; when tipped up it lets exactly one teaspoon of sugar through and into your drink; if you take sugar. I don't. I sat watching people shaking the glass as they thought it was blocked.

By the way the sausage roll wasn't great; it was a round roll – what they call here a cob – and they had put butter on to it; yuk.

So my first day of sausage week wasn't very successful.

But I got to thinking about this date so I have decided to have a bet. I used to bet some time ago but I haven't had a bet for years. I have decided to have a Yankee on the horses. I don't know why it's called a Yankee but maybe it's because it's 11 bets – as with the stars on the American flag.

You choose 4 horses and you bet – you'll have to believe this mathematical equation – 6 doubles, 4 trebles and 1 accumulator; that's 11 bets.

For anybody who has never done it a double is when 2 horses win and you put, automatically, the money you made on the first horse, plus your stake back on to the next horse. A treble is the same but with one more horse and 4 horses actually make 6 doubles and 4 trebles.

In this country there is no betting or gambling tax and the bookies do not take vigorish; people I know in the UK probably don't even know what vigorish is well (Wiki coming up) Vigorish, or simply the vig, also known as juice or the take, is the amount charged by a bookmaker, or bookie, for his services. In the United States it also means the interest on a shark's loan. The term is Yiddish slang originating from the Russian word for winnings, выигрыш vyigrysh.

I know people in America who just don't believe that the bookies here take no vigorish and people who win the lottery take it all and it is not taxed. £101 million a couple won a few weeks ago and they didn't pay any tax - £101,000,000 – which has to be about $150,000,000 – and I know people in America are reading this and not believing it.

How do the bookies make their money? They don't always make money on every race. But they work the odds out by the amount of money that is being gambled on to each horse. If everybody put their money on to one horse they would be mad to even offer odds. Then they would probably offer odds of 1/8 which means you are putting £8 on to make £1; not worth it – it might just lose.

Here's how a double works; if the first horse is 2/1 – that is 2 to 1 – you put £1 on, win £2 and add the original stake you wagered which makes £3 going on to the next horse. If that horse wins @ 2/1 that's another £6 you have won plus the £3 stake giving a total for that double of £9. And that's just for 1 double; you have 6 doubles and if all the horses are 2/1 that's £54 for the 6 doubles than you have 4 trebles which is £27 for each treble (if all the horses are 2/1 don't forget) which is £108 plus £83 for the accumulator making a total for your 11 bets @ £1 each (outlay £11) £191. Hang on – add £54 to that for the doubles. Pretty good aye? Yes but all the horses have to win and they all have to have odds of at least 2 to 1 – they may be better than that or worse but it's a mug's bet to be truthful. You would be better off putting the £11 on to a really good horse or better still keeping it in your pocket.

So here we go – I haven't even bought a newspaper yet to have a look at the form but you will see how I get on before the end of this post.

Incidentally – the date at the beginning is put down differently in America and I dare say the betting will be like that too. They would probably call the betting I mentioned in the example 1/2 but they will know what I mean and in a country where the tax man waits by the machine in Las Vagus they probably won't believe about the betting tax and the lack of vigorish here either.

So to choose some horses: I have now chosen the 4 horses and they are – The Big Easy in the 2:20 at Exeter; Griffin Point in the 2:30 at Kempton Park; Kassiodor in the 3:00 at Kempton Park; Rainsborough in the 3:30 at Kempton Park.

I have been around to the bookies – there is a bookie's shop on most corners – and placed my bet which cost me £11. So now I will wait to see the results and if successful go back around there and collect my winnings.

In America – and I never had a bet in America – they don't give the time of the races they just say the 1^st or the 4^th race but over here the race is identified by the time.

If I had chosen 6 horses that would have been 57 bets and is called a Heinz – for obvious reasons and would have cost me £57 today but if they all win you win a lot but it's a bigger mug's bet than The Yankee.

The first horse The Big Easy didn't come in the first 3.

The second horse, Griffin Point, came 6^th.

That means the next 2 have to win – I have lost the accumulator, the 4 trebles and 5 of the 6 doubles – didn't I say it was a mug's bet?

And I've just heard that the 3^rd horse, Kassiodor, didn't come in the first 3 either. Maybe I'll have another bet on November 11^th – memorial day – which will be 11-11-11 on both sides of the Atlantic and I'll bet they will all come 11^th!!