Acting in Hollywood

All that stuff about the British Royal Family being lizards, and 9/11 being an inside job and all the rest of it including the so called murder of Princess Diana was not a joke; I was pointing out that people actually believe that rubbish. And why do they believe it? Because they are paranoiac – not paranoid but paranoiac; I am paranoiac about the use of the word paranoid; I don't know why it's replaced paranoiac in the vernacular.

They are paranoiac because they believe that the reason they being left behind is because of the world wide conspiracy – but I don't want to write any more about it as I know as soon as I put a certain word in here a red flag will go up in CIA Headquarters, the game will be up and I'll disappear.

I have written the above in response to about 10 e-mails which, if I haven't replied to them already, I will soon.

By the way I have had a few complaints about not being able to leave comments on here and sometimes I have the same problem in replying to a comment. I think if you have a G-mail account you can sign in using that or maybe if you are a 'follower.'

Even though I get loads and loads of hits and page-loads I don't have that many followers. It doesn’t matter I can see – well I used to be able to see – who's reading it. I say used to because that was when the hits were low. For example I have had over 400 hits on the Julian Assange story, over the past two weeks, and over 300 on the one I wrote about The Golden Globes and Javier Barden.

Maybe I would make some money out of it if they'd have clicked on to the advertisements.

I wanted to follow up about the pilot season; I was asked what the pilot season is like in the UK; well there isn't one. Acting and entertainment is a totally different ball game over there but I have been here for 16 years and what I'm about to say will probably be out of date.

When I first came over here I noticed how professional it was; on the corners of most streets, instead of a pub or a bookies like in London, there were offers for head shots – actor photos.

Head shots were used as a calling card and I could buy 200 or 300 for less than $100. In London the actors would pay a lot more than that because their agent wanted quality shots and they would usually want their head shot back after they sent it to some casting director, which is why they would enclose a stamped address envelope.

Here the idea of a head shot is to get it so it looks like you, it has to be 8”x10” and your resume gets stapled on to the back.

If you are up for a job you just stick your head shot in the mail and nothing else; no 'dear sir would it be possible' you just stick it in the mail and make sure your agent's number is on there somewhere. You might just stick the character's name you or your agent is suggesting you for but nothing else; there is no need.

Digital photos and the internet have put a lot of the head shot shops out of business now, by the way.

The other place I was told about, on the first night I was here, was Frenches Book Shop on Sunset Boulevard. That place has everything for the actor.

In London there is a publication called 'Contacts' which gives you the address of every agent, film and TV company, prop house and lots more – a good digs guide too.

I always thought that would be a good idea over here but in Frenches you have a book, published every month or so, that is exclusively for agents. It gives you the names of the particular agents, what type of actors they are looking for and other useful information.

Of course it will have CAA and ICM in there but I'm sure nobody applies to them; when you are ready they will seek you out. But not all stars are with those big agents. Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford, I believe, are still with their original agent.

Also in Frenches it gives you tips about how you should do most things – audition being one of them.

Casting directors were asked what annoys them more than anything about actors and the answer most of them gave was actors borrowing their stapler to stick their resume on the back of their head shot.

In London you have The Spotlight and in Hollywood there is The Academy Players – one big difference: the last time I advertised in The Spotlight it cost me a few hundred dollars for a half page. Again over here they don't care about the prestige of having a half page; there are 10 photos per page and for the year that costs $36 – that's about £24.

Don't you feel you are being ripped off over there?

The casting director wants to see what you look like not the fact that you can afford a half page!

The other places casting directors find actors, these days, is on the Internet Movie Date Base – the imdB – and you can usually tell who the British actors are on there as they rarely put a photo up.

Casting directors cast from the imdB so why don't they use it?

There are 300 million people here and when things get big they get big. I know somebody who was paid £250,000 for a commercial; it was a buy out for two years and when the two years ran out they renewed his contract.

That's why actors in Hollywood always carry their head shots and the guys who go for many commercials have heads shots and a change of clothes in their cars all the time.

I was out one day – British trained which means I don't go to the rip off acting coaches here and I was in my shorts – and my agent called me and told me to go over to West LA for a commercial audition; by the way they are all called auditions here not meetings etc – they tell it like it is.

There I was in my shorts at The Farmer's Market with my wife eating doughnuts and drinking coffee and the agent told me to get over there and to be wearing a suit. I came home, grabbed my suit, shoes, shirt and tie and got back into the car and went to West LA.

When I got there I got out of the car and got changed in the parking lot; no problem. On with the shirt, the tie, my trousers and socks and then I noticed; I had brought two odd shoes; they were both black but they were both the right foot and one was a tap shoe; so I had to wear my trainers/sneakers in with the suit.

But getting back to the pilot season in the UK which doesn't exist:

Because there are 300 million people here they have to get it right. When John Cleese wrote, with his then wife, Faulty Towers he wrote it to be broadcast on BBC2; the minority channel; he had plenty of time to write it and record it which is why it was so good.

That's John Cleese above with a reverse moustache - and me below stuffing cake into my mouth in a play - many many years ago; neither of them good headshots.

Anyway that's over 1300 words today so I'd better sign off.