Hogmanay

Happy Hogmanay to you.

I have many happy memories of it at new year's eve parties and watching it on TV – letting the new year in. I had black hair so I did a lot of 'first footing' – that is going out with a lump of coal and knocking the door as soon as I heard the midnight bells. My brudder did it too as his hair was blacker than mine.

It means that the first one over the threshold has to be a stranger (I think) with black hair bringing fuel – that was all for luck even though I wasn't a stranger. I did it for others too and I was always welcomed with a kiss and a whiskey! My brudder too with his blacker hair and deeper thirst for the whiskey and the kisses.

Let me digress here, I'll come back to hogmanay later but I mention this as most of the New Year parties I went to over the years had the TV on so we would know when Big Ben struck twelve so we could sing Auld Lang Syne but:

do you place your television (if you have one) in the corner of the room?

Why?

Don't you find you get a crick in the neck after a while?

We used to have ours in the corner, with the back towards the window.

I suppose this was very handy when something boring came on and we could avert our eyes up a little and see what was going on outside. Most of the time this would be something like a lamp post or a parked car. Later in the day a curtain as it was usually dark out there and in any case as it was a sin to watch TV in the day time.

I suppose the problem being that many rooms have a fireplace in the middle so think of this:

what if there wasn't a fireplace there and you could sit back and watch the TV sitting on your sofa straight ahead.

I would often do this and think 'wouldn't it be great if the TV was there? Or maybe a little higher and a little bigger just like the movies?'

I really did think those things but I didn't think it for very long.

Eventually I moved the television to a point in front of the sofa so I could view it straight on – it's at eye level and about eight feet away so I can see the detail of the picture. It's not in anybody's way with its back to the wall between two sets of book cases.

Here we are:

Our sitting room is about twenty five feet long – nearly the whole nine yards!! - and I cannot imagine trying to be involved in anything on television from that distance.

I have heard people saying that they don't want the television to dominate the room; why not? They watch it all the time – I don't; I sit in here and type crazy posts for the blog – but that's another story.

But when I do watch it I watch it.

Whilst I am at it - we didn't have a telephone when I was a child in fact we didn't get one till we were married and when we got one we put it in the sitting room – everybody else put the bloody thing in the hall, usually in the cold, but in any case people I knew with small babies couldn't have a conversation in the hall as their voices would carry up the stairs and wake up the babies.

You'd ring them and they'd tell you off for waking the kids – well MOVE it then!!

Move it move it move it!

These days, of course, people use their cell phones more and in any case their land lines (ha ha, land lines!! As if that is what they are) are usually cordless.

But what happened?

Why were they put out there in the first place and why was the TV in the corner?

Who started these crazy rules?

Now that Christmas is out of the way for another year this week we expect Hogmanay, which is celebrated in Scotland. This year a lot of people were expecting it to be the first Hogmanay of an Independent Scotland but not to be (for a while, anyway) – so that is a current meaning of the phrase to be or not to be!

Hogmanay is held by a lot of Scots to be the most important holiday in Scotland – and for the Scottish diaspora – so if you are Scottish and are reading this let me wish a very sincere and happy Hogmanay.

One of the reasons it holds so much importance in Scotland is that Christmas was considered too papist by the Church (Presbyterian) of Scotland so they banned it.

It wasn't even a public holiday till 1958.

In Scotland it is customary to serve a steak pie with mashed tatties, mashed neeps and carrots on Hogmanay which is actually December 31^st.

For the uninitiated tatties are potatoes (pronounced bedadaters in Ireland!!) and neeps are – well what are they? I like to think they are parsnips but fear they are probably turnips.

I heard last week about a woman living down here with her Scottish husband and that she could not match his mother's cooking of the steak pie so she called her husband's mother to ask what the secret ingredient was and was told it was sausages!!!

We would always watch TV at Hogmanay and if I never get to spend it in Scotland I will go my grave disappointed – just as my dad did because he never went to the Grand National.

I took him the The Derby though even though we had a fight on the way back.

What about?

He said Peter Shilton was England's best goalkeeper and I said it was Ray Clemence – or was it the other way around?

Who cares we soon got over it.

We would watch Andy Stewart on TV; he would say words of welcome, something like 'nice to see you' then finish the show with:

Haste ye back, we loue you dearly,
Call again you're welcome here.
May your days be free from sorrow,
And your friends be ever near.

May the paths o'er which you wander,
Be to you a joy each day.
Haste ye back we loue you dearly,

Haste ye back on friendship's way. 

To be pedantic – that word loue is an obsolete typography of the word love – but I used it in any case.

During the show Duncan MacRae would recite the poem A Wee Cock Sparrow

Many years ago when I first met my wife, I was invited to meet the parents on New Year's eve – Hogmanay – and I went around there with my brudder.

We sat on the sofa and recited this poem. They looked at us as if we were drunk – we were!– here it is:

A wee cock sparra sat on a tree,

A wee cock sparra sat on a tree,

A wee cock sparra sat on a tree

Chirpin awa as blithe as could be.

Alang came a boy wi'a bow and an arra,

Alang came a boy wi'a bow and an arra,

Alang came a boy wi'a bow and an arra

And he said: 'I'll get ye, ye wee cock sparra.'

The boy wi' the arra let fly at the sparra,

The boy wi' the arra let fly at the sparra,

The boy wi' the arra let fly at the sparra,

And he hit a man that was hurlin' a barra.

The man wi' the barra cam owre wi' the arra,

The man wi' the barra cam owre wi' the arra,

The man wi' the barra cam owre wi' the arra,

And said: 'Ye take me for a wee cock sparra?'

The man hit the boy, tho he wasne his farra,

The man hit the boy, tho he wasne his farra,

The man hit the boy, tho he wasne his farra

And the boy stood and glowered; he was hurt tae the marra.

And a' this time the wee cock sparra,

And a' this time the wee cock sparra,

And a' this time the wee cock sparra

Was chirpin awa on the shank o' the barra.

meaning of unusual words: (but you knew them didn't you?)
arra=arrow
sparra=sparrow
barra=barrow
farra=father
marra=marrow
shank=leg

That makes sense now doesn't it??

Well this should and you should know the translation:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne! 

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

 

Sláinte (health)

Happy Christmas my - - - - !!

You've heard the lines in a Hollywood movie, or even seen a live court room case in America where somebody takes the fifth. And we all know that it means you don't have to answer the question on the grounds that it might incriminate you - but why is it called the fifth?

The fifth of what?

It's part of the fifth amendment to the American Constitution – the fifth amendment is actually Due Process; the bit about incriminating yourself is included in that, or something like that – I'm not about to look it up, if there are any scholars out there.

I heard the other day, that Britain had written forty or so constitutions for other countries since about the mid fifties and yet doesn't have one itself; I knew it didn't have one itself but nothing written down in any case. The reason why they wrote those constitutions is that they were for former members of the Commonwealth or part of the British Empire (the colonies) and were granted independence. New countries starting out so they needed a constitution.

Just like America.

Why doesn't Britain have a written constitution? Or England?

Because it makes it up as it goes along; it is formed by common law, statutes and practices and has something to do with Magna Carta.

It came to me the other day that I missed the word constitution; it is in constant use in America; every time they try and do something different some clever clogs pipes up and says that whatever they are trying to do is against the constitution. 

You hear words like constitutionality banded about in arguments and . . well I thought I'd just mention that as we wait for the impending strike of the clock tomorrow at midnight to let us know that it's Christmas and as soon as we hear that bong, we know that we have to behave differently, be kind to each other and have a jolly time.

But going back to that good old constitution: America separates church (religion) and state. You are not allowed to say prayers at a state school (they call them public schools over there), not allowed to have a copy of the ten commandments in the foyer of your government buildings, can't say prayers at sporting fixtures and the like, yes total separation of church and state.

They are not allowed to teach religion in state schools or say Goddamn on television and this, of course, makes the population seek out religion for themselves and they all go to church – or to the temple or mosque.

Well not all but about 80% where as here, they ram religion down your throats, have prayers each day in parliament and schools, and the figures are the other way around with empty churches. 

I heard the other day that it costs millions to run Lincoln Cathedral and they even charge £8 to get in – of course it's free if you pray or come to a service; but how do they know?

So back to America and the constitution and to Christmas and the separation of church and state.

Why do they have Christmas Day as a holiday? I understand Thanksgiving being a holiday to celebrate the breaking of bread with the Indians but why Christmas? Church and State?

By the way - the title of this post: it's 'Happy Christmas my arse' from The Pogues Fairytale of New York but I'm not allowed to use that as a title so - 

Happy Christmas.

 Thomas Jefferson

The third President of the United States, whose letter to the Danbury Baptists Association is often quoted in debates regarding the separation of church and state.

sOUNDz

Still from sOUNDz 2014

This is a link to my short movie (20 minutes) I have been writing about of late. I hope you like it and if you do - or don't - let me know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0NsYR7n8zw

Smoking and fighting in the movies with the perverts.

When I was a young man and never been kissed I got to thinking it over . . . well I started a post like that before didn't I, it was called My Teenage Love Story and for some reason it still gets loads of hits. I wrote it in February 2012 and to date it has received over 1500 hits – here it is: http://storytelleronamazon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/my-teenage-love-story.html

But I was thinking of the first time I kissed a girl – well the first time it was a necking session when I was a teenager – and it was when I was in the Ladywood Picture House; I'm almost sure of that. We would spot girls and go and sit behind them – or even on front. A few comments would go back and forth and then one of us would offer a cigarette and then the pick up line “Do you want to come and sit around here?”

If one of them agreed one of us would go around there and sit with the other; this would lead to a necking session and walking the girl home and maybe another date; maybe one of us not turning up and not always me.

One of the girls, one of the days, said to me “Why didn't you kiss me in the pictures?” and the reply was, of course, “I was watching the film.”

That was either Circus of Horrors or Horrors of the Black Museum – yes I have both on DVD and the wonderful song Look for a Star by Garry Mills was used in Circus of Horrors. It was such a magic moment in the film with the girl on the trapeze doing tricks to that music – the fact that she fell off the trapeze later only added to the . . . and not worth missing to kiss a girl, I tell you; but I did later.

One little phrase above – one of us would offer a cigarette – should be highlighted. Yes we could smoke in the movies. The place was full of smoke and when you looked at the beam from the projector box to the screen it was full of smoke.

We went to the movies a lot. We would walk in any time and it didn't matter if the film had started or not – you knew where you came in and you left at that stage when the film was repeated. I can't believe we did that. It wasn't till Psycho came along that we weren't allowed in after the film had started.

I did notice in those days that the cinema would cut some of the films and they usually cut out the favourite bit that I liked that I had waited for.

Sometimes we, as kids, would walk up to the Imperial Picture House, this is when we were quite young, and my mom and dad would come later. We would be down the front and my parents would sit at the back and we would know when they came as we could hear our dad's distinctive cough. Looking around to see if we could spot where they were we would see that load of smoke. I can only imagine what the ceiling of the place looked like when they turned the lights on.

So when someone talks to you about the good old days just remember that and the pictures houses were full of perverts. The Moseley Picture House – the bug hutch – didn't have backs on the seats that went to the bottom which meant some dirty old perv could have a feel of your arse. Some fella was feeling my arse one day and I grabbed his fingers and twisted them then I turned round a looked at him and the expression on his face of any movement was not effected by my twisting.

Perverts were everywhere; do you know I've forgotten about most of them, most of the encounters with perverts and their weird propositions.

There were also fights in some of the movie houses – the manager in The Imperial was ready for it most Fridays and you could see that he always went for the ring leader as these were big fights – mobs - and I remember one night he had his arms around the ring leader pulling him one way whilst the fella was being pulled the other way by his mates and when the manager managed to get him up to the door and threw him through it, the gang drew back and the audience clapped and cheered.

And then, I suppose, marijuana came along and peace man peace.

So there we are.

Back to Fibonacci it's all here, isn't it. The numbers for your lotteries etc here is the sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233, 377, 610, 987 – made up simply of starting at one, then going to after the next number and then adding the last two numbers together. It is defined like this:

For example - 1 + 1 = 2, 1 + 2 = 3, 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 5 = 8

Any the wiser?

Nor me!!

Still from Circus of Horrors

Michael Gough

in

Horrors of the Black Museum