Gay Suicides in America.

Leonardo da Vinci

First of all it's great that so many people read this; thank you. I only have a few registered 'followers' but I have a lot of regular readers all over the world and readers are reading posts that I have written as long ago as last year; The Estuary Accent seems to be the post that gets the most hits.

Now to a serious subject:

Terrible isn't that so many teenagers are committing suicide in America; it is linked to them being 'outed' as gay but a lot of them are not gay at all? They are taunted as being gay - maybe because they are effeminate or camp.

It seems the American teachers cannot help, because in the matters of sexual preference they are not allowed to take sides.

Not allowed to take sides? What does that mean? If they see people being bullied, whether they are gay or not, shouldn't they take a side?

The problem is that some of the teachers find it hard to control grown ups – for that is who they are teaching these days – and have little leadership qualities; those adults – those kids - are not all there in the head yet, as their brains haven't been formed properly so they do things and say things they wouldn't do if they were older. They think they are grown up but they are only grown up in size.

We were all there - remember?

This is why they are not allowed to do certain things because of their age; they are not ready for it.

At that age – teenage – they are too young to make decisions that will affect the rest of their lives; but they do. This includes the choice of their spouse, their career and their choice in politics.

That's why we see so many broken marriages and idiots being voted into office.

At that age teenagers find it hard to empathise and they certainly won't be able to empathise with someone who is gay or transsexual or any of the other none heterosexual practices or preferences; in fact the word preference is wrong as they don't usually have a preference.

A lot of gay people I know, and I'm bound to know many gay people from working in the theatre for so many years, didn't choose to be gay. Unlike drug addicts and alcoholics who took their first drug or drink by choice, homosexuals don't consciously choose to be gay.

Some people – some church groups - think they can convert homosexuals into heterosexuals but I haven't heard of any so called success stories from these courses; I'm sure there have been reported successes but let's face they are really driving them into the closet.

Now what was I like as a teenager? Well, I'll tell you: I didn't know what an homosexual was; truly.

I had heard that there were such people but at the age of sixteen I didn't really believe it; I knew there were paedophiles because I had read about them and had been approached by them as most kids are; paedophiles have always been with us.

If I had known any paedophiles at that age I would have deduced that they were a deserving target for bullying but I wasn't a bully.

I was in a class at school, in my final year, of forty three pupils; the chances of more than one of them being homosexual was very high. The chances of those that were not knowing it when they got married was also high. This was a secondary modern boys' school in a working class area and it would be hard in 1959 to come out at such a time and in such a place; very hard.

Yes I left school at fifteen with no qualifications and only the prospect of a job in a factory facing me; good job my mother encouraged me to go in to the post office.

I'm sure there were homosexuals in the post office too – and I know there were paedophiles!

When I was in my late teens a new hotel was built in the city where I lived; it was where pop stars and other dignitaries stayed when they were in town; it was the talk of the town and I remember going for an interview there for a job as a salesman with a clothing company called Top Gear when I was trying to do anything to get out of the job in the post office; it was very posh.

Not long after that a young man was murdered and when I read about the circumstances it turned out he was an homosexual; the police report said he frequented homosexual bars such as the one in the posh hotel; I was amazed; it was a posh hotel?

The fact that I didn't know about homosexuality and neither did most kids of my age meant that I wouldn't be on the look out for them at school or in the work place unlike these days when children of all ages seem to know.

Homosexuality, as a subject, is on television and in other parts of the media; it is discussed at schools and pupils are told that it is nothing to be ashamed of and that it is as natural as heterosexuality; I am not questioning that but I am questioning whether it should be discussed at school in the first place.

What is the point in discussing anything with people who do not understand? It doesn't matter whether it is considered natural or normal to mature people, you are discussing it with people whose brains are not mature yet as their hippocampuses are just not ready; that's why they behave the way they do, that's why they say the things they do because they don't understand.

They don't understand that you can't help who you love!

One question I will ask is why those teachers can't control their pupils? If kids of that age and size don't want to learn why are they at school?

Why aren't they permitted to leave school at fifteen like I had to if they don't want to learn? They are only stopping people who want to learn.

The fact that most of the talented people we know are homosexual and that we are all heavily influenced by them seems to be lost on homophobes; some of the greatest artists, singers, actors and the like were gay. James Dean and Montgomery Clift, to name two great actors, have influenced a majority of American actors and actors all over the world and they've been dead for many years, were both gay.

The kids at school get the wrong messages and the bullies are telling kids, they think are gay, that God will send them to hell for being gay and they take this to heart because number one they think they might be gay so they must kill themselves before it is confirmed so they can go to heaven and number two - how can they believe that if there is such a thing as God that he or she would be such an arsehole?

Stormtrack - or the election on the news?

I might have said this on here before but most Sunday mornings I go to the beach for a bike ride and have breakfast at The Fig Tree; by the way I put a little typo in there which I corrected from moist which is a kind of Freudian slip as I don't go when it's moist; when it rains.

It might be fun in the rain if you are covered up with a sow'ester and I might try it one day; not that I haven't had a lot of experience cycling in the rain with and without a sow'wester as I was brought up in a rainy climate.

Last Sunday (24th) it was kind of overcast when I left here, in Hollywood, for Venice and when I got there the sun came out so we had a good ride. The weather got worse as the day drew on and eventually at around 6:0opm it started to drizzle and then to fully fledged light rain which carried on throughout the night.

Now let me stress that this was rain; nothing more but rain. No storm, no thunder and lightning, no floods - just rain.

Later in the evening I heard on a news trailer that one of the candidates for Governor, in the gubernatorial election next week, was double digits ahead in opinion polls so I looked forward to the news on at eleven-o-clock.

I didn't think for one minute that it was Meg Whitman because Jerry Brown was drawing ahead the last time I looked; but nonetheless I don't rely on anything and after the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger I expect anything from the Californian electorate who voted for the three strikes rule, the opposition to gay marriage and other barmy things; for example the fact that when you buy a house here your property taxes on that property freezes. Nice for those that bought at that time but why is the state always in the red or have a delayed budget every year?

Apart from the election, in the news, there is the threat of terrorism, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economy, the latest on the world series baseball; I think a golf tournament sudden-death play off was decided with a 'hole in one,' Gregory Isaacs the reggae singer died and even the creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle had died and what led the news on all channels? The rain!!

No storm, no thunder and lightning, no floods - just rain; plain simple rain.

The News Team was at various locations throughout the state. People were being interviewed in the street to give their opinion about the rain – do they like it? Do they hate it?

Some complained that they didn't like the rain, others loved it; some were here on vacation and said they were used to it but complained about it.

I have told friends and relations when they asked about the weather how the Television Stations cover it and they hardly believed me.

Some way into the news they came in from the field reports and went to – the weather forecast which was headlined 'Storm-track and how it will affect your morning commute.'

It was then that I put the news off and looked on line to see which candidate for Governor was double digits ahead and it was Jerry Brown – fabulous! Thirteen points ahead.

Fame

Fame? Now what is it? Can you lead a normal life whilst being famous? I think you can; when I read about the royal family and the normality of their lives I ask myself how can they do such things without people staring at them?

But they do; they wander around Windsor or Balmoral in their Land Rovers and they see the people they see all the time and the people know who they are and wave.

Just like me and you wandering around our neighbourhoods and saying hello to the people we know. But when they step outside the familiar places they are noticed there too, whereas we are not. Unless we dress up in a bowler hat, pins stripes and carry an umbrella into a Country and Western Texas Bar.

Many years ago I had a dose of mini fame; I was doing a soap opera on TV in Birmingham and at the time I lived in Oakengates, Shropshire which is around 35 miles or so from Birmingham.

I used to go to a place to drink at the weekends with my pals and I told them when I got the job in the soap and we carried on drinking and playing the card game NAP. People in the bar knew me and people in the neighbourhood knew me too.

When I went into the soap I travelled in to Birmingham six days a week – four days to rehearse in a rehearsal room then two days in the TV studio where we would tape two episodes a day. Then back in the car to Shropshire and on Sundays it would be a day off.

On Sunday lunchtimes I would go to the same place to drink and play NAP then back home for lunch in time to watch the football match on TV and maybe sleep in front of The Golden Shot – fans of The Golden Shot will know how long ago this is.

The episodes of the soap started to go out on the air a few weeks after I started and when they did, people in the place I used to drink would say they saw me on Television and so did the friends and neighbours; my mother would tell all her friends to watch and she got a great kick out of it.

Then one day as I was travelling in to a Saturday rehearsal my car broke down; there was no chance of getting it going straight away so I left it where it was at the side of the road; I knew there was a railway station nearby so headed towards it by foot. When I got to the station I waited for a train but all seemed hopeless as the next train wasn't due for another hour; so I sat on a bench and waited.

Presently a train came into the station but going in the opposite direction from where I wanted to go; I glanced up at it and it was full of teenage school girls; one of them looked at me and said “It's Jim!” I didn't really hear those words but worked it out later; then another girl came and shouted 'Jim” - that I heard clearly and soon quite a few of them opened their windows and started calling. That's when the penny dropped – they had recognised me! I had stepped outside of my comfort zone. I waved to them and as the train disappeared into the distance they were all waving to me and calling.

I never did catch that train and missed the only day's rehearsal I have ever missed; a pal came and gave me a lift back home to my comfort zone.

There have been many such incidents over the years whenever I have had something current on TV; when I was in General Hospital people would stop me in the street saying “please have that operation; it'll save your life.”

So I think movie stars, Royalty and the like have their comfort zones too but Royalty have been trained for a public life and people who seek fame have not.

If someone becomes famous early they don't always know how to handle it; we see the problems with drugs young movie stars and rock singers have – some of them not surviving.

People seek fame seek as if they are taking drugs; they want only so much fame and they want it on their terms but fame increases exponentially till it's out of control and sometimes it's very difficult to reverse.

Once in a very great while I get a fan letter – or more like an e-mail these days – and once in a very great while someone will recognise me in the street; that's usually in the UK; now if people remember me, no matter how seldom, what would it be like for someone like Brad Pitt or Jack Nicholson to start a new life?

I could quite easily change my life – take a job doing something else and get away with it.

I sell antiques/collectibles at Fairfax Flea Market once a month and when I am doing that I'm in another life away from the theatre - but that doesn't really count as most of the other sellers are actors and musicians and the like; in fact I think very few actors take jobs in bars these days or as waiters so casting directors could easily take a trip to any flea market to do their casting.

But I enjoy my monthly sale; I meet hundreds of people and I have loads and loads of conversations with people from all over the world – and many other places.

There I am above – someone snapped a shot and sent it to me.

There is a ninety second clip of me from The Stanley Dyrector talk show on You Tube - take a look; he asked me how and why I started and I said I saw a guy in the street going to a ball with a blond on his arm; he was famous as he was in a soap opera on TV – the same one I did as it happens - and it was one of those shows that went out in the evening that was always number one in the ratings.

I saw him on the way to the ball and I thought “Wow! I wouldn't mind a bit of that” and so I became an actor. Well it wasn't as simple as that; I had to go to drama school to learn the craft side of the job – you can't teach the artistic side; you either have it or you don't – and that took me about four years; one year of night school and three years full time college and by the time I finished thoughts of fame and fortune had gone. I just wanted to be a good actor – I still do!

33 sperms born from earth mother.

Florencio Avalos (above) alpha male?

There are few secular miracles in life and one of them is child birth; well not necessarily human child birth but any system of birth; I think the Panda must be the most difficult or they wouldn't have so many problems at the Chinese zoos and I would also hate to imagine the shenanigans two hedgehogs or even porcupines get up to just to have a child and male sea otters actually rape the female.

In the human being millions of sperms race towards those eggs – or is it millions of sperm? - and only one gets there and reproduces; as soon as it penetrates the egg the egg locks itself and no matter how those sperms knock on that egg the egg won't open. Can you imagine the frustration of the sperms after that huge journey swimming against the tide and gravity to be there and to be refused entry? Obviously the strongest and fastest one is the one who makes it – a bit like undocumented immigrants coming to the USA from Mexico; only the strong get in – but I digress.

If there are two eggs waiting there two sperms will be lucky and non-identical twins will be on their way to the birth canal – twins can also be born if two sperms hit that egg at the same time; if that happens the twins will be identical and they can be either sex or both as the fertilizer, the man, is the one with the female chromosome – both males and females retain one of their mother's X chromosomes, and females retain their second X chromosome from their father. Since the father retains his X chromosome from his mother, a human female has one X chromosome from her paternal grandmother (father's side), and one X chromosome from her mother.

The foetus, or the foetuses if there is more than one, gets nourished through the placenta throughout the nine months of pregnancy and the placenta feeds just the right amount of food and oxygen to each foetus – then when it is time the baby enters the birth canal and is born into this world.

When the baby is in the womb it is in a very safe place; the safest place it is every likely to be in and when it is delivered it is in another safe place but at first it needs looking after; so the journey itself from womb to the time the umbilical chord is cut is the most dangerous.

The safe place is only a safe place for a while as the feotus has to leave its very comfortable place or it will probably die.

If there are twins there is usually an alpha twin; evidence of twins in the womb reacting to each other has shown this, with one twin dominating the other.

The other day, when the capsule entered the womb of the earth where the miners were trapped, I couldn't help but think of the birth process.

There was a phallus shaped object entering the uterus of the earth and the miners gathered around to look at it; they were comfortable where they were, everything they needed had been fed to them by the very long placenta; they wore clothes suitable to the place they were in and their food was just the right amount for their dangerous journey.

Each of the miners knew it was the only way out; I can't think of a miner working underground suffering from agoraphobia but they may have been reluctant to enter the tiny capsule but as I said before their safe place is only a safe place for a while as the feotus has to leave its very comfortable place or it will probably die.

The miners were fed a very high salt diet to increase their blood pressure as a high blood pressure was needed for the journey; with high blood pressure it was unlikely that they would faint on the way up in the capsule; I think someone said if one of them had fainted on the way up it would have been fatal.

The stronger men were sent up first – the alpha male – Florencio Avalos, then the weakest and frail and then the others which included the captain who was the last to leave the ship – the afterbirth.

For a short while it would have been possible for someone from the outside to go down and look where the men had been; maybe a crazy photographer or journalist or even a scientist and I wonder if they did? Manuel Gonzalez went down first and there he is below being welcomed by the men; not much talk about that brave fella in the media.

John Lennon

It was John Lennon's birthday on Saturday – the 9th – he would have been 70 years of age; hard to believe. We were served with a lot of his music on the radio and on Saturday we watched the movie Imagine – for Beatles or John Lennon fans that movie is a must. You will see that George and Ringo played on the album Imagine so it was really another Beatles album without Sir Macka.

John Lennon has always been more important to me than The Beatles and John had more influence on society than the straights, the squares, realise and would probably accept.

I saw The Beatles, with my brother, three times in their very early days. Now isn't that something? Friends have said they saw Sinatra, Elvis, Nina Simone, Bing Crosby et al but they don't get it. We saw The Beatles – in their early days and The Beatles, with John's influence, changed things.

The Beatles made it ok to question authority; they tried to be working class, but they were never working class, they were students when students usually liked jazz. Lots of students liked jazz because students were supposed to like jazz but when The Beatles came along students started to like rock.

I was the number one Buddy Holly fan and The Beatles reminded me of Buddy Holly and that's why I drifted into them; the other Beatles used the harmonies of The Crickets and the black girl groups like The Shirelles and John's voice, on songs like Baby It's You and Anna from their first LP, is worth a listen to prove my point.

We had heard of The Beatles as they had a small hit with Love Me Do – by the way I've heard the 3 versions of Love Me Do with the three drummers: Pete Best, the session drummer and Ringo and Ringo's playing is far superior – so when they appeared on Thank Your Lucky Stars lip syncing to Please Please Me we knew who they were.

Please Please Me was a great song; John wrote it for Roy Orbison (slower) and was in the same bag as Buddy Holly so naturally my ears pricked up. Three of the Beatles had the famous 'Beatle hair cut' – not Ringo – and John stood with his guitar held high on his chest and his legs open like Elvis and it had an amazing affect on people; me in particular.

The following week Please Please Me shot to number two in the NME charts, and the following Sunday they were due to appear at our local dance hall, The Ritz in King's Heath. We would go there every Sunday to drink their brown ale, nut brown ale or Bruno brown ale, pick up girls and dance; more of the former and less of the latter two I'm afraid.

So we went to our usual spot at The Ritz and saw the most amazing show; not many girls came that night as The Beatles were a geezers (male) group; they were famous in Liverpool and they hadn't quite caught on with the girls yet.

They sang most of the songs from their first LP, Please Please Me, including A Taste of Honey and Twist and Shout and when their set was over we went down to the bar for our nut brown ales and who should join us but The Beatles. The rest of the crowd were still upstairs in the Dance Hall and we were at the little bar.

We didn't have any intimate conversation with them as they were very excited and photographers were asking people to have their photos taken with John and Paul and when they posed they would all shout ha ha ha haaaaaaa and the photo would be taken.

Then George came followed by Ringo; George wore a big fur coat; it would be easy to say there was something about The Beatles and that you could see it at the time but you could; you could see that they had the world at their feet.

We saw groups every week at The Ritz – look it up on line The Ritz, Kings Heath and the Regans who ran it – from The Rolling Stones to Freddie and the Dreamers; when Brian Poole and the Tremeloes came they seemed to have a million dollars worth of equipment, with a microphone each and clear succinct sound but The Beatles shared microphones – which is why their harmonies could be heard.

We saw them twice more; once more at The Ritz when they played their return engagement – and opened with Tony Orlando's version/arrangement of Beautiful Dreamer – but it was never the same. They were too popular and the girls drowned out the performance.

Before the Beatles it was the age of the angry young man – Look Back in Anger and all that and this spread into movies like Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, This Sporting Life and other movies but the great mass of youths in the early sixties and the Teddy Boys before them had never heard of Look Back in Anger and John Osborne and all that intellectual stuff that the educated were privy to, so when John Lennon started to ask questions – intelligent questions – we sat up and asked questions ourselves.

There's a piece of film where John is being interviewed, after the Beatles disbanded, and he is espousing peace and an American female interviewer says 'you have it all wrong my dear boy' in such a condescending way that when you see it you want to throw cushions at the TV set; he wasn't taken seriously all the time at the time but the FBI sure kept an eye on him and last week the FBI confiscated his set of finger prints from a New York auction.

So RIP John Lennon; in about two months it will be the 30th anniversary of his death; December 8th (although it was the 9th GMT at the time he was killed) and there will be other remembrances then; number 9.

Dun Laoghaire to Hollyhead on a salad.

Dun Laoghaire - above; Hollyhead - below


Hey my novel is available in the UK from Amazon UK in paperback http://tiny.cc/lgtaf and it'll be on Kindle too as soon as they get the title right.

I had a few emails asking me what happened on the edge of the Sahara Desert well I'll leave that for now and relate another adventure.

This was on a ship from Dun Laoghaire to Hollyhead when I was a mere teenager; it was before I left school and as I left school at 15 I was really young; I know I was wearing blue jeans, not Levis, but another make of shiny blue jeans and a blue zipper jacket.

Dun Laoghaire to Hollyhead is the usual route from Dublin to anywhere in England south of Crewe; Dun Laoghaire being about 20 miles south of Dublin and Hollyhead a small island in Anglesey in Wales. When we got to Holllyhead we would get the train to Birmingham which is where we were brought up.

We knew the steamers, the ships, very well as we would go to Ireland a few times every year and would stay for the whole summer holidays – 8 weeks – in Finglas which was miles away from Dublin; maybe only 4 miles or so but still a million miles and a pain in the arse on the bus.

The journey to and from Dublin was about as long as it takes me these days to go between Los Angeles and London. We would leave the house on Moseley Road, in Birmingham, at around 6:00pm and wait for a number 50 bus across the street.

The bus would take us to New Street Station and we would get the train from there to Hollyhead arriving there at around midnight. Then we would get on the ship, wait till it set sail and arrive in Dun Laoghaire at around 6:00 or 7:00 am the following day; from there we took a train into Dublin and then a bus to Ballybough.

In earlier years my grandad would pick us up with the donkey and cart but he died when I was around 10 years of age.

So it was a long journey; most of these journeys were over night but the one I'm referring to was in the day time. Most of the time, if it wasn't raining, we would hang around on deck; a lot of people would frequent the bars and partake of the Guinness and usquebaugh; but I was too young as the age for drinking was 18.

There were restaurants on board and places where you could get a cup of tea but I only had one shilling to my name; a shilling these days would be one twentieth of a pound – five pence!

When I got to the restaurant I looked at the menu and the only thing they had for a shilling was salad; mmmm salad. There was no choice so that's what I decided to order.

It was a cafeteria style service where you grabbed a tray and put food on it when you got to it as you entered the queue; I looked for the salad but couldn't see it so I asked one of the women behind the counter where the salad was and she pointed to a plate with ham, cucumber and scallions on “That's the salad” she said so I put it onto my tray.

When I got to the till the cashier said “That'll be three and six!” Three and six!! That was three shillings and sixpence – three and a half times what I had in my pocket.

“I thought it was a shilling?” I said.

“Where?” she said.

“Look there” I said, pointing at the menu.

“Oh that's just the lettuce” she said.

I was embarrassed; I didn't want to let on that that was all I had in my pocket; all I had in the world to be honest. I looked at the full salad on the plate; not my favourite meal but it looked nice, it would fill me and keep me from being hungry and would save me having the sandwiches my aunt had made for us.

“It's only the lettuce I want” I lied.

So the woman put a load of lettuce onto a plate, which I put on to my tray and went to the till again and paid for. I took a knife and fork from the cutlery tray and found myself a seat.

As I sat down I looked at my meal; I almost think it looked at me; all green a crisp and waiting for me to eat it. On the table was the cruet and I used some salt. Then I looked around for some salad cream – yes that was the kind of kid I was in those days I had never heard of mayonnaise but I would really love to taste that salad cream now and maybe even sandwich spread; oooo yummie!!

But back to those salad cream days – I couldn't see any; I looked at other tables, I looked over to where I had found the the cutlery but nothing. So I decided to get stuck in and eat it.

Wow – did I really need a knife?

A big waiter came through the door from the kitchen and I stopped him “Do you have any salad cream?”

“What?”

“Some salad cream for my salad.”

He looked at my plate; then looked at me. Not an expression on his face.

“Salad cream?”

“Yes please!”

He looked at me again and then at the lettuce.

“Are you broke?”

“Broke? No; I just want some salad cream.”

He picked up my plate and walked off with it.

I sat there; I put my knife and fork back onto the table. I hadn't used them so they were clean; should I put them in place? Why not?

Was the blade side of the knife supposed to face in or out; I tried it both ways and it looked better facing outwards. I looked around and people were getting their meals, sitting down and eating, chatting to each other and some of the food looked really good.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do; I was only a slip of a kid but if they didn't give me my lettuce back I would have wasted a shilling.

Then the waiter came back, plonked a plate between my knife and fork, and walked away after saying “there you are.”

On the plate there was boiled ham, lettuce, cucumber, cold boiled potatoes, scallions and the whole works which I heartily ate.

After I finished I put my utensils at twelve-0-clock, to show that I knew my manners got up from the table and went back onto the deck.

“What did you get for your shilling” said my aunt.

“Salad” I said.

An episode from the past!!

I was thinking the other day of the times I've been up the creak without a paddle; you know stranded with no hope of getting home. I remember trying to hitch hike from London to Northampton at midnight and waiting forever for someone to stop.

Somebody did stop eventually and gave me a lift, of course, but I should have refused it as they were only going as far as Newport Pagnell – one junction before the Northampton turn off – which was impossible to get a lift from.

Hardly anyone came passed me at that time so I waited for an hour and a half and then decided to walk. Took me three hours and a lot of it was through countryside and was pitch black.

One hour, two hours, three hours – pitch black in front of me walking passed ditches, hedgerows and overhanging trees, which kind of touched my hair making wonder if it was some kind of ghost.

Pitch black and silent; no cars on the roads, no people walking and once in a while a bunch of houses and the sound of an owl or a bat or . . . what was that? Never did find out!

Two miles from home I passed a big house and then heard a horn blowing and the further I got from the house the louder the horn became. Eventually I found that a car had crashed into a ditch and the horn was jammed; when I got right to it I could see a man slumped over the steering wheel.

I jumped down into the ditch, not knowing what to expect – a decapitated body? Blood and Guts?? - and found him to be conscious but totally trapped. As his car had crashed into the ditch the sides of the ditch jammed the doors closed and popped the windscreen out which was also laying in the ditch.

“Help me!” he said.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so but I can't get out.”

“I'll get the cops."

“Okay.”

I climbed out of the ditch and ran towards the big house; this after walking ten miles or so.

When I got to the house I knocked the door and after a few minutes a light came on and a man came to the door. He was wearing a dressing gown and slippers but the light was behind him on the landing so I couldn't see him clearly.

I told him what had happened and he invited me in to use the phone which I did calling 999 and ordering an ambulance and police.

The guy from the house came back with me to the car wearing his dressing gown and slippers and as we ran his slippers made a slap slap slapping sound on the Tarmac and he ran with his head forward and hands still by his sides; I ran like an old man as I'd just been walking for two hours.

“Get me out of here” said the guy in the car when we got back.

“He's alive” said the man from the house.

“Yes” I said “I'll hang on here if you want to go back.”

“Okay” he said, rubbed his eyes, yawned and walked back to his house.

All this time the horn was blowing constantly; miles away from anywhere so nobody could hear it.

“Are you hurt?” I said to the guy in the car.

“I don't think so” he said.

It was then I realised that he was probably drunk.

After a few more minutes a police car came flashing his lights followed by an ambulance.

When the cops got out of the car they assessed the situation and one of them lifted the bonnet of the car and grabbed the battery; then the very intelligent policeman tried to pull the battery out of the car to try and stop the horn blowing. He couldn't do it so he pulled and pulled some more and the cables stretched the more he pulled. Then he dropped the battery hoping the weight of it would break the cables but it didn't.

Then he kicked the battery thinking it would snap the cables that way; then he kicked and kicked with the bottom of his foot - kicking the battery away; kicking it kicking it kicking it away!

What an arsehole, I thought.

“Do you have a screw driver?” I asked.

“No” he said “but I have a knife.”

He pulled a small pen knife from his pocket and gave it to me so I unscrewed one of the screws on the battery and the horn stopped blowing.

The cops wanted to know who I was and what I was doing there and I told them.

A breakdown truck came and started to get the car out of the ditch and the paramedics saw that the guy was okay.

“Do you want to sit in the car?” said the other cop.

“Yes” I said and got into the back of the police car.

I sat and watched the man being pulled out and the paramedics really struggled to get him out of the car. They pulled him through the space where the windscreen used to be and took him away before the cops had time to breathalyze him.

When the car was well and truly up on the breakdown truck they tossed the unbroken windscreen into the car and when it was up and away the cops got into their car.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Brafield.” I said which was just a mile or so away.

When we got to the road junction where I wanted to get out I tried to get out but the door, obviously, had child locks to keep the crooks in, so the cop had to get out to open the door for me.

I had been sitting for over an hour and was as stiff as a board when I got out and could hardly walk; as they drove off to Northampton General Hospital, to try and breathalyze the driver, the cops waved and I struggled to walk the remaining few hundred yards to where I lived.

By the way I started this post to tell you about the time I was at a disco with a load of strangers with no money in my pocket on the edge of the Sahara Desert when they all started to go off in a taxi without me; but I got involved in this - anyway I saw the taxi going, opened the door and dived across the back seats; it made them all laugh and I stayed there till we reached civilisation!!

Albert Hall, The Albert Hall, The Royal Albert Hall!!

My friends admonish me for being so pedantic about the differences in English between the United States and the British Isles. I say the British Isles although there are a few things in Ireland which has the same usage as in America; for example the use of the words take and bring.

The correct use of these words in Britain is to take to and bring from; just like in stock keeping and accounting when you put 'carried' forward at the bottom of the column and 'brought' forward at the beginning of a new page; it's 'shall we take our shovels' and 'shall we bring them back.'

In Ireland and the USA they say 'shall we bring our shovels?'

Of course that's if you have a shovel!

I have touched on the usage of English elsewhere on this blog and as with everything else I am no expert; I just have an interest in linguistics and I am a fan on Geoffrey Nunberg who regularly contributes to NPR's Fresh Air programmes; he hits the nail right on the head when he writes and commentates on how the English language is changing even without us noticing it; look him up on Amazon.

It fascinates me how the two countries (separated by a common language, according to Shaw) differ over the use of the definite article. For example the Americans say 'the' hospital – as if there is only one. I have been living here for over fifteen years so I say it too now. Although when I am writing for an English character I have to check myself.

In Britain they just say hospital – as in 'she is in hospital.' In America it is 'she is in the hospital.'

If that was all that was to it that would be the end of it but we all say 'I am going to the movies' 'to the theatre' ' to the game' or 'the match' as if there is only one of those.

But what happens when we talk of The Albert Hall?

The Americans with all their use of the definite article drop it when it comes to The Albert Hall and there is only one Albert Hall.

A friend of mine sent an e-mail the other day and said 'Stephen Fry is at Albert Hall' and I wrote and pointed out his error. Then when I met him later he said 'what is this about Albert Halls?' – in the plural.

There is no answer to it of course but this is Albert Hall:


And this is The Albert Hall:
Albert Hall, the actor, was in Apocalypse Now but as far as he is concerned he is The Albert Hall and the other one is really called The Royal Albert Hall; but nobody calls it that!!